Over you

Dear Daisy,
Hello my sweet daughter. This week has been pretty hard for Mommy. I don't think I will ever get over losing you. It's very hard to cope with the loss of you when there is people around me who expect me to pick up and move on. It's only been 12 weeks since you left me. In 12 weeks time am I supposed to act like you didn't exist. But you did. Very much so. I've had people tell me they know how I feel. How could they possibly know? How could they possibly know how terrible it is to go and pick out a dress for your daughter to be buried in? I hope you like what I picked. How could anyone know how hard it is to watch your daughter's casket be put in the ground by your husband and father? Nobody could ever know that pain unless they have been through it. You and I both know this person has a living daughter. What I wouldn't give to have you back... Another thing she told me is I need to be hoping and praying for another child. I don't understand why I should be doing this? I don't want another child. I want YOU. Only you my pretty baby.

"But you went away,
How dare you?
I miss you.
They say I'll be okay,
But I'm not going to ever get over you."
 

I'm still trying to enjoy life with Daddy. He makes me pretty happy despite all that is going on. We both love you so much. So much it hurts. Watch over Mommy and Daddy my angel.

Loving you with I all have,
Your Mommy
Lauren

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain

Dear Daisy,
How are you doing my sweetheart? I hope your days are filled with happiness even though we are apart. I hope you don't carry around the sadness that your Mommy does. I also hope you get a laugh over Mommy and her couponing adventures. I don't know if your Mommy is going to end up on the tv show hoarders or extreme couponers. But it's a way to pass time anyway. I don't know what exactly I'm passing time for though. Passing time until it doesn't hurt so bad? Until the thought of not having you here with me doesn't make me feel like I died with you? I have no clue. I'm not so sure every storm runs out of rain. I feel like I will always carry the loss with me. Hopefully good times are to come for your Mommy and Daddy. I just keep telling myself that there is a big purpose for me. There is a big plan for me. God only sends the hardest battles to his strongest soliders right? So if Mommy is one of God's strongest I can make it through this storm. I will never know God's plan. But I just hope it involves some good things. I miss you so much my baby.

Out of all this I do know one thing though.. There are times throughout the day were I feel your prescence. I know your Mommy sounds kooky and I'm sure people will think I'm insane for saying it. But you know too don't you? You come visit Mommy I know it. There are moments where I stop dead in my tracks because I feel you. I feel your spirit right there with me. Sometimes you come to me and I feel warm like you are hugging me. Or sometimes I swear I can smell you. I know some people will think I'm crazy. But I do and I know it's you. I try to hang on to these moments because it's one of the only things I have left. I want to thank you for this. It helps me through these times.

I love you so much my beautiful angel. Watch over Mommy and Daddy as always.

Forever in my heart,
Your Mommy
Lauren

Some days are just so hard.

Dear Daisy,
I've been thinking about you a lot today. Not that I don't think about you every day. But for some reason today you have weighed heavily on my mind. I've been trying so hard to make you proud of me. Proud to have such a strong Momma. Some days it's just really hard. I wonder all the time why you had to die and drug addicted Moms get to have their babies. Why do Moms that beat their children have theirs? Why can't I have you? Life is just unfair sometimes I know. If love could have kept you alive you would have lived to be a billion and beyond. I just don't understand how Mommy and Daddy did everything right and still lost you. We waited so long for you. We made sure that financially we could give you anything you could have ever desired. And yet looking back... it didn't matter. The stuff didn't matter. I would gladly give everything I have away just to hold you in my arms one more time, to hear you cry, to watch you grow. I just don't understand. I guess it's just one of those things that Mommy is just going to have to accept. Hopefully it will come with time.

Mommy and Daddy met with genetics on Weds. The geneticist told us that she has only seen your kind of genes once before. We knew you were special my sweetie. However she also said the likelihood that this would happen again would be like getting struck with lightening twice...in the same day. She also said Mommy is young (ha she doesn't feel young) but that she has age on her side. We still don't have your final autopsy results back. Which kind of annoys Mommy. I'm just trying to be patient. It's hard sometimes. So what does this information tell us about the future? It tells us that Mommy and Daddy could have a healthy baby. We could give you a healthy sibling. Someday that is. It still doesn't affect our timeline, as we don't have one. I still don't know if I can handle going through another pregnancy with the chance of losing another baby. It's a very scary thing. Having a healthy baby is such a gift. Such a wonderful gift that many people take for granted.

So after the appointment Mommy and Daddy went couponing. Lucky for Mommy your Daddy likes to shop too. I'm sure you would have as well. By the end of the day we actually ended up making money. How funny is that? Your Daddy was so proud of Mommy's couponing skills. We had a lot of good laughs all day. Your Daddy has been working hard on making some upgrades to our house. He completely remodeled the guest bath, is working on the back splash in the kitchen, and is going to put hardwoods down in the downstairs. I think it's because he needs to keep himself busy like Mommy. So your Mommy is going to stay busy couponing and Daddy is going to work on his projects. You are so special sweet baby. I miss you. Have fun making new friends up in heaven. And watch over Mommy and Daddy.

With so much love and kisses,
Your Mommy
Lauren

Your Momma has gone KRAZY!

Dear Daisy,
Hello my sweet girl. I hope things are going well for you in heaven. I'm sure if you are anything like your Daddy you have made a bunch of friends already. Maybe you have met some of my old patients. Hopefully everyone will keep you busy until you get to see Mommy and Daddy again.

Speaking of keeping busy.. Mommy just doesn't know what to do with herself now. I've always been in school and worked. And when I graduated I had you to prepare for. Now what? I'm off work 4 days a week and really have nothing to do. So Mommy decided to do 2 things... apply back to school and become a "krazy" coupon lady. Go ahead make fun. It is pretty funny. So today will be my first trip to Rite Aid with all my coupons. The goal is to pay $5.18 and get $5 in reward bucks. So, I'll essentially be paying 18 cents. Yea, sweetheart your Mommy is that cool. hehe. As for school, the plan is to start back this fall. Those are the plans for life so far.

People ask me all the time about when we are going to "try again". I don't really like that wording. Because we did succeed in creating you. You did exist. I know you aren't here on earth with us but we did succeed with you. I just don't want you to ever think you were a failure. Your time with us brought us so much joy even if it was just for 9 months. As for the answer to that question.. I honestly don't know. My heart hurts. My body is fully recovered and has been. However, I also don't want a "replacement".. I just want my Daisy back. I don't think there will ever be a moment where I am emotionally ready. Whether I get pregnant tomorrow or 6 years from now there will always be hurt. Mommy will always be scared. I know you would want us to give you siblings. And Mommy also knows that you wouldn't want losing you to ruin our dreams of being parents to children on earth. My plan is to continue to enjoy life with Daddy. I love him so very much but you know that.

Some days are very hurtful for Mommy. Almost everyday at work one of my patient's parents asks me if I have any children. How do I even answer that question? I've told people I had a daughter. I've told others no... but then they pry and ask when am I going to have a baby? I want to scream and say "I HAD a daughter 8 weeks ago but now she is gone and I am grieving!". Usually after they find out I have a beautiful baby in heaven things are just awkward. I guess my life is going to be one awkward moment after another for awhile. I guess on Saturday you were trying to get me to lighten up when I decided to take a "bath" in that disgusting formula. Very funny kid. I hope you laughed because I sure did. I hope there will be more moments where Mommy can just laugh and feel carefree in the future.

I love you so much Daisy Marie. Never forget that. Watch over Mommy and Daddy my love.

Loving you to the moon and back,
Your Mommy
Lauren

Hi Ho Hi Ho

Dear Daisy,
It's been over a week since I have written to you. I'm so sorry. Don't ever think I am not thinking about you. I think about you all day every day. I find myself looking at your pictures several times a day.

Mommy started back to work last Thursday. Another beginning to my life without you. Mommy was so scared. But everyone made me feel so very welcome and missed. I showed your pictures off a lot. Everyone saw how truly beautiful my angel is. People asked questions... which actually made Mommy feel better. Because you did exist... you ARE my daughter. It feels worse when people try to pretend that nothing happened. Something very big did happen though... I lost a part of me.

Mommy has been really grouchy towards Daddy. I'm sorry for that too. I think part of it is that Daddy doesn't understand how Mommy feels. Yes, he did lose you too but our relationship is different. You grew inside me and you died inside me. A part of my soul is gone and Daddy doesn't understand the emptiness Mommy feels. How does a Mother go on to feel "normal" again afterwards? I don't think I'll ever be the same person. My whole life revolved around you. You were the beginning and the end of everything. I feel so lost. Mostly because I have no direction anymore. YOU were my direction. Your life was my future. Now what?

I sound so ungrateful. I know I do. I don't mean to sound that way either. My life is so wonderful in so many ways. Mommy and Daddy are soul mates. Our love is very strong. Not a lot of people can say that they are married to their soul mate. We can. I have the best family and friends anyone can ask for. My job is great. Our home is quite nice too. I'm so grateful for all of that. I just want you though. I miss you so much my sweet girl. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.

All the love in my heart,
Your Mommy
Lauren

Reflections

Dear Daisy,
Being that tomorrow is the last day of 2012 I want to reflect on this past year. I can honestly say that it has been both the best and worst year of my life. 9 months of it I shared with you. There was 9 months in which I was blissfully unaware that you were sick and I would lose you. I was on top of the world. I formed a bond with you. It's so very special and magical. Nobody can ever take that away from us. And nobody will ever have that relationship with you besides me. No one ever knows the depth and passion of a mother's love until you become one. I never thought that was true until I became one.

You and I shared so many experiences together over the past year. So many awesome adventures that I will hold dear to my heart forever. Mommy graduated nursing school this year. A dream that has been mine my whole life, and it finally came true. The most special part about it is, my beautiful daughter was right there with me when I walked across that stage. Me and you kid. We did it. Mommy also passed her nursing board exam and became a Registered Nurse. You were right there with me during that white knuckled experience. You were fluttering around and kicking like crazy the whole time. You were Mommy's good luck charm. This year Mommy also landed the job of her dreams. When all odds were against me I still got it. You and I were together all along. How special is that? This year was also Mommy and Daddy's 5 year wedding anniversary. 5 years of marriage is a long time when you are only 26 years old. Your parent's bond is stronger than ever. We are unbreakable. Partially we have you to thank for that. This year Daddy took us on a surprise anniversary trip to a little German village called Helen, Ga. We all drove down "the dragon". Which is that curvy scary interstate. You were right there with us and were probably wondering what in the world was going on. I also attended the most gorgeous baby shower in the world. It was for you. You are very loved little angel. It was wonderful.

The worst part of this year was losing you. Working around death and dying (especially of children) for the past 8 years never prepares you for when it happens to you. I could have never in my wildest nightmares imagined this pain. A piece of my soul is missing. My heart is battered and bruised. I have a hole left in me. I wouldn't wish this anguish on anyone. It's gut wrenching. I miss you so much my pretty little flower. I don't think I could ever describe the true feelings I'm feeling as there are no words for it.

There is so very much for us to be thankful for. Besides having a wonderful family, a gorgeous house, awesome job, great friends who are so supportive... there's something so monumental. Something so earth shattering... I met a real angel this year. And she was mine. My very own angel that I shared so many wonderful experiences with. This is the year that all of it happened and nothing can ever EVER overshadow those memories, after all it's the only ones I get to have with you. It was me and you this year, baby girl. So yes, I did lose you sweet baby. But I did gain so very much WITH you. I found a love that I never knew I had inside me and I got to share it with you. I love you Daisy. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.

Love always and forever,
Your Mommy
Lauren

Signs

Dear Daisy,
Well your Mommy made it through Christmas without you. It was so hard. I never expected to be without you. I never expected to be the parents that had to go to a grave site on Christmas. It just isn't how our lives should be.

 Mommy spent the day yesterday shopping. I was sad off and on all day. I was told that this journey was going to be a roller coaster of emotions. It couldn't be more true. However, I know you were with me all day long. I found a broken key chain in the parking lot and it was a daisy. In one store I found pink daisy earrings. In another store I saw a daisy picture frame. And I even found nail polish called "pink daisy". There was even a puppy in Petsmart named Daisy Duke. You were with me all day weren't you? It's just not the way Mommy pictured it would be. I pictured us going to the mall together, you in your stroller. I wish it didn't turn out like this. But I'm glad you send me signs that you are with me all the time. It makes me feel less alone.

The new year is coming and Mommy is hoping to get life back on track. This year is going to be a great year for Mommy and Daddy. I can feel it. I know our little guardian angel will help us through. Watch over Mommy and Daddy, baby girl.

I love you,
Your Mommy
Lauren