Dear Daisy,
Being that tomorrow is the last day of 2012 I want to reflect on this past year. I can honestly say that it has been both the best and worst year of my life. 9 months of it I shared with you. There was 9 months in which I was blissfully unaware that you were sick and I would lose you. I was on top of the world. I formed a bond with you. It's so very special and magical. Nobody can ever take that away from us. And nobody will ever have that relationship with you besides me. No one ever knows the depth and passion of a mother's love until you become one. I never thought that was true until I became one.
You and I shared so many experiences together over the past year. So many awesome adventures that I will hold dear to my heart forever. Mommy graduated nursing school this year. A dream that has been mine my whole life, and it finally came true. The most special part about it is, my beautiful daughter was right there with me when I walked across that stage. Me and you kid. We did it. Mommy also passed her nursing board exam and became a Registered Nurse. You were right there with me during that white knuckled experience. You were fluttering around and kicking like crazy the whole time. You were Mommy's good luck charm. This year Mommy also landed the job of her dreams. When all odds were against me I still got it. You and I were together all along. How special is that? This year was also Mommy and Daddy's 5 year wedding anniversary. 5 years of marriage is a long time when you are only 26 years old. Your parent's bond is stronger than ever. We are unbreakable. Partially we have you to thank for that. This year Daddy took us on a surprise anniversary trip to a little German village called Helen, Ga. We all drove down "the dragon". Which is that curvy scary interstate. You were right there with us and were probably wondering what in the world was going on. I also attended the most gorgeous baby shower in the world. It was for you. You are very loved little angel. It was wonderful.
The worst part of this year was losing you. Working around death and dying (especially of children) for the past 8 years never prepares you for when it happens to you. I could have never in my wildest nightmares imagined this pain. A piece of my soul is missing. My heart is battered and bruised. I have a hole left in me. I wouldn't wish this anguish on anyone. It's gut wrenching. I miss you so much my pretty little flower. I don't think I could ever describe the true feelings I'm feeling as there are no words for it.
There is so very much for us to be thankful for. Besides having a wonderful family, a gorgeous house, awesome job, great friends who are so supportive... there's something so monumental. Something so earth shattering... I met a real angel this year. And she was mine. My very own angel that I shared so many wonderful experiences with. This is the year that all of it happened and nothing can ever EVER overshadow those memories, after all it's the only ones I get to have with you. It was me and you this year, baby girl. So yes, I did lose you sweet baby. But I did gain so very much WITH you. I found a love that I never knew I had inside me and I got to share it with you. I love you Daisy. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
Love always and forever,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Signs
Dear Daisy,
Well your Mommy made it through Christmas without you. It was so hard. I never expected to be without you. I never expected to be the parents that had to go to a grave site on Christmas. It just isn't how our lives should be.
Mommy spent the day yesterday shopping. I was sad off and on all day. I was told that this journey was going to be a roller coaster of emotions. It couldn't be more true. However, I know you were with me all day long. I found a broken key chain in the parking lot and it was a daisy. In one store I found pink daisy earrings. In another store I saw a daisy picture frame. And I even found nail polish called "pink daisy". There was even a puppy in Petsmart named Daisy Duke. You were with me all day weren't you? It's just not the way Mommy pictured it would be. I pictured us going to the mall together, you in your stroller. I wish it didn't turn out like this. But I'm glad you send me signs that you are with me all the time. It makes me feel less alone.
The new year is coming and Mommy is hoping to get life back on track. This year is going to be a great year for Mommy and Daddy. I can feel it. I know our little guardian angel will help us through. Watch over Mommy and Daddy, baby girl.
I love you,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Well your Mommy made it through Christmas without you. It was so hard. I never expected to be without you. I never expected to be the parents that had to go to a grave site on Christmas. It just isn't how our lives should be.
Mommy spent the day yesterday shopping. I was sad off and on all day. I was told that this journey was going to be a roller coaster of emotions. It couldn't be more true. However, I know you were with me all day long. I found a broken key chain in the parking lot and it was a daisy. In one store I found pink daisy earrings. In another store I saw a daisy picture frame. And I even found nail polish called "pink daisy". There was even a puppy in Petsmart named Daisy Duke. You were with me all day weren't you? It's just not the way Mommy pictured it would be. I pictured us going to the mall together, you in your stroller. I wish it didn't turn out like this. But I'm glad you send me signs that you are with me all the time. It makes me feel less alone.
The new year is coming and Mommy is hoping to get life back on track. This year is going to be a great year for Mommy and Daddy. I can feel it. I know our little guardian angel will help us through. Watch over Mommy and Daddy, baby girl.
I love you,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry 1st Christmas Daisy
Dear Daisy,
Merry Christmas my love. It doesn't seem so 'merry' now that we are apart does it? I couldn't wait to dress you up and show you off today. You would have been so pretty in your polka dot dress. You would have been pretty in anything. I'm really trying not to be so sad today. Afterall, Jesus was born today. I should be celebrating. It just takes all of Mommy's energy to keep it together. To not scream and cry. I shouldn't be so angry. But sometimes I just can't help it. I shouldn't have to go to a cemetery on Christmas to go visit my daughter. This shouldn't be our lives. It feels like a nightmare sometimes. I love you and Daddy loves you so very much too. Watch over Mommy and Daddy angel.
Love you always and forever,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Merry Christmas my love. It doesn't seem so 'merry' now that we are apart does it? I couldn't wait to dress you up and show you off today. You would have been so pretty in your polka dot dress. You would have been pretty in anything. I'm really trying not to be so sad today. Afterall, Jesus was born today. I should be celebrating. It just takes all of Mommy's energy to keep it together. To not scream and cry. I shouldn't be so angry. But sometimes I just can't help it. I shouldn't have to go to a cemetery on Christmas to go visit my daughter. This shouldn't be our lives. It feels like a nightmare sometimes. I love you and Daddy loves you so very much too. Watch over Mommy and Daddy angel.
Love you always and forever,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Sunday, December 23, 2012
My Grown-up Christmas Wish
Dear Daisy,
I gave birth to you 6 weeks ago yesterday. It seems like a lifetime ago. As Christmas approaches I start to feel sadder. I should have you here with me. We should be doing all the Christmas candy baking together. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm so lonely for you. My friends and family ask me what I want for Christmas. Nothing anyone could ever give me. Just you. I want my sweet baby girl back and healthy. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole situation. But like the Grinch thought
"Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!"
It's not about stuff. It's about being close to the ones you love. I hope all the Mommies who have their babies with them this year hold them tight. Nothing in life is guaranteed..
Your pictures came in yesterday. You take my breath away angel. You are so beautiful its hard to believe you are mine. I haven't stopped looking at your pictures since receiving them. It's one of the few things I have left of you. 36 pictures that mean the world to your Mommy. It's the closest thing I could get to my Christmas wish. I know I can't have you back but seeing your face makes me so happy. Your Daddy seemed to have a hard time seeing you again. I know he would do anything to get you back for me. We love you so very much.Watch over Mommy and Daddy sweet princess.
I love you so much it hurts,
Your Mommy
Lauren
I gave birth to you 6 weeks ago yesterday. It seems like a lifetime ago. As Christmas approaches I start to feel sadder. I should have you here with me. We should be doing all the Christmas candy baking together. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm so lonely for you. My friends and family ask me what I want for Christmas. Nothing anyone could ever give me. Just you. I want my sweet baby girl back and healthy. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole situation. But like the Grinch thought
"Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!"
It's not about stuff. It's about being close to the ones you love. I hope all the Mommies who have their babies with them this year hold them tight. Nothing in life is guaranteed..
Your pictures came in yesterday. You take my breath away angel. You are so beautiful its hard to believe you are mine. I haven't stopped looking at your pictures since receiving them. It's one of the few things I have left of you. 36 pictures that mean the world to your Mommy. It's the closest thing I could get to my Christmas wish. I know I can't have you back but seeing your face makes me so happy. Your Daddy seemed to have a hard time seeing you again. I know he would do anything to get you back for me. We love you so very much.Watch over Mommy and Daddy sweet princess.
I love you so much it hurts,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Instincts
Dear Daisy,
Let's talk about something funny.I feel like a lot of my letters have been about such sad things. Today I want to talk to you about when we found out you were going to be a girl. Well, your Mommy is a very maternal person. I'm a pediatric RN and have always loved children. My love for nurturing also got us 4 Chihuahuas. They are such a joy in our lives. I couldn't imagine life without Toby, Penelope, Macy, and Lily. You would have really loved them.
So that being said your Mommy thought she had excellent maternal instincts. As soon as she found out she was pregnant with you she just knew that you were a boy. Your Daddy and I would have conversations about the future and Mommy would always say "Our son." hehe. All this talk got your Daddy amped up that he would have someone to teach how to hunt, fish, throw a ball (and be a pitcher just like him someday), to pick up girls, fix a car, and do all other sorts of manly things. Mommy was definitely excited too, she was going to have a Momma's boy no doubt. How funny is all of this now to think about.
Your Mommy is a very type A person. She had to know as soon as possible to get the nursery underway. However, she just knew that you were going to be a boy. Funny how your Mommy had no maternal instinct what-so-ever. Except for when the bad thing happened and I just knew you were gone. But let's not talk about that just yet. Well Mommy made an appointment to do an elective ultrasound exactly at 16 weeks. Daddy took off work and we went to the hospital together. The ultrasound tech took us back and asked us questions about you. "How many weeks are you?" "Is this your first?" "What are your guesses?" Well we told her we just knew you were a boy. Your beautiful face came up on the screen and you looked just like Mommy. Your face, nose, mouth, and chin looked just like your Momma. We know now that you are the spitting image of Daddy though. So then Mommy saw it... you were not a boy but very much a girl. Mommy turned to the tech and said "It's a girl?", your Mommy was very confused. The tech said "Yes! Congrats it's a girl!!". That's when Mommy turned to Daddy. His face was frozen in the most confused smile ever. It looked like something off of a movie. Mommy's mind started to race... A girl... I never thought I would have a daughter. I just didn't know what to do with myself. Mommy started to laugh. How funny was it that I was calling you Hunter for 16 weeks!
Mommy decided that after the doctors appointment we needed to buy lots and LOTS of pink things. I was so excited to have a daughter. There was no disappointment finding out you were a girl. I never want you to think that I wanted you to be something you were not. Mommy and Daddy were just very much surprised because we thought you were a boy all along! I love you no matter what. Our love is unconditional. Your Grandmother told Mommy a long long time ago that her Grandfather (your great great Grandfather) told her that "A Daughter, she will be your best friend". Mommy wanted that for us. I wanted you to be my best friend. I couldn't wait to do all sorts of things with you. Girly things like getting pedicures, going prom dress shopping, getting our hair done, going shopping for ANYTHING. I was so ready for all of that. I miss you my pretty daughter. I miss you so much. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
Until I write you again, I love you with very bit of me,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Let's talk about something funny.I feel like a lot of my letters have been about such sad things. Today I want to talk to you about when we found out you were going to be a girl. Well, your Mommy is a very maternal person. I'm a pediatric RN and have always loved children. My love for nurturing also got us 4 Chihuahuas. They are such a joy in our lives. I couldn't imagine life without Toby, Penelope, Macy, and Lily. You would have really loved them.
So that being said your Mommy thought she had excellent maternal instincts. As soon as she found out she was pregnant with you she just knew that you were a boy. Your Daddy and I would have conversations about the future and Mommy would always say "Our son." hehe. All this talk got your Daddy amped up that he would have someone to teach how to hunt, fish, throw a ball (and be a pitcher just like him someday), to pick up girls, fix a car, and do all other sorts of manly things. Mommy was definitely excited too, she was going to have a Momma's boy no doubt. How funny is all of this now to think about.
Your Mommy is a very type A person. She had to know as soon as possible to get the nursery underway. However, she just knew that you were going to be a boy. Funny how your Mommy had no maternal instinct what-so-ever. Except for when the bad thing happened and I just knew you were gone. But let's not talk about that just yet. Well Mommy made an appointment to do an elective ultrasound exactly at 16 weeks. Daddy took off work and we went to the hospital together. The ultrasound tech took us back and asked us questions about you. "How many weeks are you?" "Is this your first?" "What are your guesses?" Well we told her we just knew you were a boy. Your beautiful face came up on the screen and you looked just like Mommy. Your face, nose, mouth, and chin looked just like your Momma. We know now that you are the spitting image of Daddy though. So then Mommy saw it... you were not a boy but very much a girl. Mommy turned to the tech and said "It's a girl?", your Mommy was very confused. The tech said "Yes! Congrats it's a girl!!". That's when Mommy turned to Daddy. His face was frozen in the most confused smile ever. It looked like something off of a movie. Mommy's mind started to race... A girl... I never thought I would have a daughter. I just didn't know what to do with myself. Mommy started to laugh. How funny was it that I was calling you Hunter for 16 weeks!
Mommy decided that after the doctors appointment we needed to buy lots and LOTS of pink things. I was so excited to have a daughter. There was no disappointment finding out you were a girl. I never want you to think that I wanted you to be something you were not. Mommy and Daddy were just very much surprised because we thought you were a boy all along! I love you no matter what. Our love is unconditional. Your Grandmother told Mommy a long long time ago that her Grandfather (your great great Grandfather) told her that "A Daughter, she will be your best friend". Mommy wanted that for us. I wanted you to be my best friend. I couldn't wait to do all sorts of things with you. Girly things like getting pedicures, going prom dress shopping, getting our hair done, going shopping for ANYTHING. I was so ready for all of that. I miss you my pretty daughter. I miss you so much. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
Until I write you again, I love you with very bit of me,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Monday, December 17, 2012
Puzzle pieces
Dear Daisy,
Last week we found out some answers as to why this happened. It was something none of us ever expected. You were sick my sweet girl. You were sick and nobody knew. Genetics revealed that you had Turner's syndrome and 47 XXX. Because of the blending of the 2 diseases you appeared to be normal. We won't know the exact cause of your death until the final autopsy result comes in. The doctors suspect heart involvement that couldn't have easily been detected on ultrasound. Well being the nurse that your Mommy is she decided to do some research. The research I saw said 99% of babies with Turner's syndrome are miscarried or born still. This tells me one very important thing... You are more like your Mommy than we knew. You are a fighter and you are determined. You fought till the very end, it was just something you couldn't overcome. You were stronger than most babies with this disease. And I am so proud to call you my Daughter.
So what does this say for your parent's future? Well from my understanding this sickness is a fluke mutation. Your genes randomly took from one strand and gave to another. This was not inherited. Which gives us hope for the future. I hope you will have siblings one day. Mommy and Daddy just need time for our hearts to heal some more. There will always be a hole there though.
I never would want you to suffer my baby. The thought of you being here suffering makes Mommy sad. Even though I want you here with me it wouldn't be fair. So God took you to Heaven where you aren't sick. Our separation is just temporary. I'll see you someday. I promise I will. Until then, watch over Mommy and Daddy. We love you so much.
Love you and miss you Daisy,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Last week we found out some answers as to why this happened. It was something none of us ever expected. You were sick my sweet girl. You were sick and nobody knew. Genetics revealed that you had Turner's syndrome and 47 XXX. Because of the blending of the 2 diseases you appeared to be normal. We won't know the exact cause of your death until the final autopsy result comes in. The doctors suspect heart involvement that couldn't have easily been detected on ultrasound. Well being the nurse that your Mommy is she decided to do some research. The research I saw said 99% of babies with Turner's syndrome are miscarried or born still. This tells me one very important thing... You are more like your Mommy than we knew. You are a fighter and you are determined. You fought till the very end, it was just something you couldn't overcome. You were stronger than most babies with this disease. And I am so proud to call you my Daughter.
So what does this say for your parent's future? Well from my understanding this sickness is a fluke mutation. Your genes randomly took from one strand and gave to another. This was not inherited. Which gives us hope for the future. I hope you will have siblings one day. Mommy and Daddy just need time for our hearts to heal some more. There will always be a hole there though.
I never would want you to suffer my baby. The thought of you being here suffering makes Mommy sad. Even though I want you here with me it wouldn't be fair. So God took you to Heaven where you aren't sick. Our separation is just temporary. I'll see you someday. I promise I will. Until then, watch over Mommy and Daddy. We love you so much.
Love you and miss you Daisy,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
What's in a name?
Dear Daisy,
I thought I would write to you and explain how you got your name. It's really quite special actually. So your Mommy has always loved daisies. They have been my favorite flower for as long as I can remember. I inherited this love for the flower from your great Grandmother (Nanny). Ever since I was little I planned on naming my daughter Daisy.. I saved the name for 26 years.
When your Mommy and Daddy first met during one of our conversations this fact came up. However, nobody had ever given your Mommy daisies... ever.. always roses. Well shortly after learning of this your Daddy had daisies sent to the hospital with a card that said "I love you". That was the first time your Daddy ever told Mommy he loved her.
But your name ALMOST wasn't Daisy. Let me tell you why. Your Father's initials are HDH and Mommy thought it would be precious if yours were too. If you were a boy we would have named you Hunter David. Hunter because your Daddy is a hunter and David after your Daddy. If you turned out to be a girl your Mommy wanted to name you Harper Daisy. Harper after Harper Lee (author of Mommy's favorite book). Your Daddy HATED the name Harper. Really and truly despised it. So we devised a plan... If Mommy could deliver you naturally (without any pain meds) your name would be Harper Daisy. If not you would have a name we both chose. One of those names was Daisy Marie. Your name. Marie is after your Great Grandmother Walters and Aunt Morgan. Your Mommy just knew she could have you without any medicine, so after we found out you were a girl I secretly called you Harper all the time. I KNEW it was going to be your name.
Things didn't go as planned though. Your Daddy said I could name you whatever I wanted after it happened. However, I just knew your name was Daisy Marie the second I saw you. And there is another special reason why I chose to do this. Someday I pray I can give you a Sister. Her name will be Harper Daisy... after her big Sister.
I didn't get your pictures today. But that's ok... I would wait the rest of my life just to see your beautiful face again. Everyone else on the other hand is very anxious to see you. Your Aunts Morgan and Britt never got to see you in the hospital. They really would like to see what you looked like. You look just like their brother. Guess what did come in the mail today? Your first Christmas ornament. I saved it for when Daddy comes home. I want to put it on our tree together. I hope you like it. I miss you my sweet baby. I think about you all day long. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
I love you so much,
Your Mommy
Lauren
I thought I would write to you and explain how you got your name. It's really quite special actually. So your Mommy has always loved daisies. They have been my favorite flower for as long as I can remember. I inherited this love for the flower from your great Grandmother (Nanny). Ever since I was little I planned on naming my daughter Daisy.. I saved the name for 26 years.
When your Mommy and Daddy first met during one of our conversations this fact came up. However, nobody had ever given your Mommy daisies... ever.. always roses. Well shortly after learning of this your Daddy had daisies sent to the hospital with a card that said "I love you". That was the first time your Daddy ever told Mommy he loved her.
But your name ALMOST wasn't Daisy. Let me tell you why. Your Father's initials are HDH and Mommy thought it would be precious if yours were too. If you were a boy we would have named you Hunter David. Hunter because your Daddy is a hunter and David after your Daddy. If you turned out to be a girl your Mommy wanted to name you Harper Daisy. Harper after Harper Lee (author of Mommy's favorite book). Your Daddy HATED the name Harper. Really and truly despised it. So we devised a plan... If Mommy could deliver you naturally (without any pain meds) your name would be Harper Daisy. If not you would have a name we both chose. One of those names was Daisy Marie. Your name. Marie is after your Great Grandmother Walters and Aunt Morgan. Your Mommy just knew she could have you without any medicine, so after we found out you were a girl I secretly called you Harper all the time. I KNEW it was going to be your name.
Things didn't go as planned though. Your Daddy said I could name you whatever I wanted after it happened. However, I just knew your name was Daisy Marie the second I saw you. And there is another special reason why I chose to do this. Someday I pray I can give you a Sister. Her name will be Harper Daisy... after her big Sister.
I didn't get your pictures today. But that's ok... I would wait the rest of my life just to see your beautiful face again. Everyone else on the other hand is very anxious to see you. Your Aunts Morgan and Britt never got to see you in the hospital. They really would like to see what you looked like. You look just like their brother. Guess what did come in the mail today? Your first Christmas ornament. I saved it for when Daddy comes home. I want to put it on our tree together. I hope you like it. I miss you my sweet baby. I think about you all day long. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
I love you so much,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Monday, December 10, 2012
One month
Dear Daisy,
So as of today you have been in heaven one month. I never imagined this would be me. Sitting here without you. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in other ways it feels like it happened just yesterday. It's hard to believe how much my life has changed in this past month. Your Mommy feels like she is a hundred years old. It's a rainy cold nasty day out. Kind of fitting to my mood. I really am trying hard to be strong because it hurts your Daddy so much to see me cry. But it's so hard when I would give anything to have you back. I wonder if the mailman will bring your pictures today. It would be wonderful to see you again. Even though everytime I look at your Daddy's face I see you. Which is pretty funny because in all of your ultrasounds you looked just like me. You had us all fooled. Watch over me and your Daddy my angel.
Happy 1 Month Birthday.
I love you with all my heart and always will,
Your Mommy
Lauren
So as of today you have been in heaven one month. I never imagined this would be me. Sitting here without you. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in other ways it feels like it happened just yesterday. It's hard to believe how much my life has changed in this past month. Your Mommy feels like she is a hundred years old. It's a rainy cold nasty day out. Kind of fitting to my mood. I really am trying hard to be strong because it hurts your Daddy so much to see me cry. But it's so hard when I would give anything to have you back. I wonder if the mailman will bring your pictures today. It would be wonderful to see you again. Even though everytime I look at your Daddy's face I see you. Which is pretty funny because in all of your ultrasounds you looked just like me. You had us all fooled. Watch over me and your Daddy my angel.
Happy 1 Month Birthday.
I love you with all my heart and always will,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Friday, December 7, 2012
Our love surrounded me
Dear Daisy,
Today was very busy for Mommy and Daddy. We went to the cemetery and designed your monument and visited your grave for the first time. I had some reservations about doing this. Frankly, your Mommy was scared. I was scared of the hurt and the sadness that comes with visiting your gravesite. However, when I got there our love for one another surrounded me. I felt your presence saying "Mommy don't be sad. I love you." I felt peace and happiness. Calmness engulfed me and it was amazing.
Your momument is going to be so pretty. Guess what? It's going to be in a pink stone. You will be the only baby so far to have a pink one. Of course it had to be pink, grey was simply not suitable for my precious little princess. And it's going to have daisies on it. I'm so excited to see what the final layout is going to look like. I hope you like it. We also brought you your Christmas wreath. It looks just perfect out there. I also designed you a Christmas ornament. I hope it comes in before Christmas. I can't wait to put it on our tree.
I'm missing you pretty bad tonight. I'm so overwhelmed with sadness that you aren't here with me. It just doesn't seem fair.Why do other Mommy's get to spend their baby's first holiday season with them? Why do I have to bring a Christmas wreath to my daughter's grave? I should be at home with you snuggling on the couch. We should be together. I love you so much my sweet baby. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
Love,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Today was very busy for Mommy and Daddy. We went to the cemetery and designed your monument and visited your grave for the first time. I had some reservations about doing this. Frankly, your Mommy was scared. I was scared of the hurt and the sadness that comes with visiting your gravesite. However, when I got there our love for one another surrounded me. I felt your presence saying "Mommy don't be sad. I love you." I felt peace and happiness. Calmness engulfed me and it was amazing.
Your momument is going to be so pretty. Guess what? It's going to be in a pink stone. You will be the only baby so far to have a pink one. Of course it had to be pink, grey was simply not suitable for my precious little princess. And it's going to have daisies on it. I'm so excited to see what the final layout is going to look like. I hope you like it. We also brought you your Christmas wreath. It looks just perfect out there. I also designed you a Christmas ornament. I hope it comes in before Christmas. I can't wait to put it on our tree.
I'm missing you pretty bad tonight. I'm so overwhelmed with sadness that you aren't here with me. It just doesn't seem fair.Why do other Mommy's get to spend their baby's first holiday season with them? Why do I have to bring a Christmas wreath to my daughter's grave? I should be at home with you snuggling on the couch. We should be together. I love you so much my sweet baby. Watch over Mommy and Daddy.
Love,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Being in limbo
Dear Daisy,
Today I am feeling like I am in some sort of a limbo period. I'm still waiting on your pictures. I wait for them everyday. It gives me hope and something to look forward to. Your Daddy asked me "why are you so excited? It will be just another thing for you to cry over.". I told him that I couldn't wait to see your beautiful face again. You look just like him yanno. Except for your nose that is. That's the only part of me you got pretty girl. So I wait everyday for the mailman to come driving down the street. Waiting to see your beautiful face. It hasn't been a month quite yet but I still keep waiting and hoping. That's just a part of the limbo period.
Another part is that we are awaiting the results of your autopsy. I want to know why this happened to my daughter. Why her? Why my baby? I just would like answers as to how this could have happened. My labs came back normal. Your placenta/umbilical cord were normal. You looked like the most ethereal being I have ever seen. Like I have said many times... I know what sick babies look like. I'm a pediatric RN. You didn't look sick. Many people have said... You looked PERFECT. And they were right. So Dr Marcum will be calling me with the results as soon as she gets them. But the thing is I don't think they will find a cause. I'm not feeling very confident. However, it's another open chapter in the book of my life.
Tomorrow your Daddy and I are going to design your headstone and go to see your grave. It will be the first time we go back since your funeral. I am truly sorry about that. It's been pretty hard for me losing you. But I feel ready and I am excited to go now. I have a Christmas wreath for you. It looks great! Of course it does your Grandmother made it. It even has your name on it. I wish I was spending this Christmas with you though. I was making so many plans for our first Christmas together. I even bought you reindeer pjs. Your Daddy picked them out. I have to admit you would have been adorable in them.
So here I am in this limbo/waiting period. I'm very lucky to have such a strong support system to help me through it. I miss you baby. More than you could ever know. I continue to hope and pray for strength. Watch over me and your Daddy. Until I write again my dear baby.
I love you with all my heart,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Today I am feeling like I am in some sort of a limbo period. I'm still waiting on your pictures. I wait for them everyday. It gives me hope and something to look forward to. Your Daddy asked me "why are you so excited? It will be just another thing for you to cry over.". I told him that I couldn't wait to see your beautiful face again. You look just like him yanno. Except for your nose that is. That's the only part of me you got pretty girl. So I wait everyday for the mailman to come driving down the street. Waiting to see your beautiful face. It hasn't been a month quite yet but I still keep waiting and hoping. That's just a part of the limbo period.
Another part is that we are awaiting the results of your autopsy. I want to know why this happened to my daughter. Why her? Why my baby? I just would like answers as to how this could have happened. My labs came back normal. Your placenta/umbilical cord were normal. You looked like the most ethereal being I have ever seen. Like I have said many times... I know what sick babies look like. I'm a pediatric RN. You didn't look sick. Many people have said... You looked PERFECT. And they were right. So Dr Marcum will be calling me with the results as soon as she gets them. But the thing is I don't think they will find a cause. I'm not feeling very confident. However, it's another open chapter in the book of my life.
Tomorrow your Daddy and I are going to design your headstone and go to see your grave. It will be the first time we go back since your funeral. I am truly sorry about that. It's been pretty hard for me losing you. But I feel ready and I am excited to go now. I have a Christmas wreath for you. It looks great! Of course it does your Grandmother made it. It even has your name on it. I wish I was spending this Christmas with you though. I was making so many plans for our first Christmas together. I even bought you reindeer pjs. Your Daddy picked them out. I have to admit you would have been adorable in them.
So here I am in this limbo/waiting period. I'm very lucky to have such a strong support system to help me through it. I miss you baby. More than you could ever know. I continue to hope and pray for strength. Watch over me and your Daddy. Until I write again my dear baby.
I love you with all my heart,
Your Mommy
Lauren
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
And so it begins
Dear Daisy,
I have decided to write a blog in your honor and so I can get out my feelings as I embark on my life journey without you. I guess I should start at the beginning of it all..
I have always wanted children. Lots and lots of children. Your creation was carefully calculated. We decided to try to conceive a child that would be due once I graduated from nursing school. Which meant your father and I waited for 6 years for you. I'm pretty for sure I waited my whole life. Anyways it took us 6 months for you to be made. Probably due to the stresses that came along with nursing school. But 6 months seemed like a lifetime after waiting for 6 years. In march we found out we were going to be your parents. I have never been so thrilled in my life. I wanted to shout to the world "FINALLY I AM GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!" But I didn't, we decided to wait until we were "in the clear" and you were at 12 weeks gestation. So on Mother's Day we gave everyone cards with your ultrasound picture on it. Everyone was so excited about you!! Finally my parents were going to be grandparents and your Daddy's mom will become a grandmother again (it had been 10 years since your cousin Bailey was born). Everything was falling into place for us. It seemed like nothing could ever go wrong again. I couldn't wait until November.
So, thats the beginning of your story, my love. My whole world revolved around you from day one. Actually even before we knew of you. I still can't believe that I am your Mommy. Such a beautiful angel in Heaven is mine. I miss you everyday. There's a piece of me missing until we meet again. A hole that's been left in my heart. But I'll see you one day baby girl. I promise you that. Until then I'll write to you. Watch over me and your Daddy.
In my heart always,
Your Mommy
Lauren
I have decided to write a blog in your honor and so I can get out my feelings as I embark on my life journey without you. I guess I should start at the beginning of it all..
I have always wanted children. Lots and lots of children. Your creation was carefully calculated. We decided to try to conceive a child that would be due once I graduated from nursing school. Which meant your father and I waited for 6 years for you. I'm pretty for sure I waited my whole life. Anyways it took us 6 months for you to be made. Probably due to the stresses that came along with nursing school. But 6 months seemed like a lifetime after waiting for 6 years. In march we found out we were going to be your parents. I have never been so thrilled in my life. I wanted to shout to the world "FINALLY I AM GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!" But I didn't, we decided to wait until we were "in the clear" and you were at 12 weeks gestation. So on Mother's Day we gave everyone cards with your ultrasound picture on it. Everyone was so excited about you!! Finally my parents were going to be grandparents and your Daddy's mom will become a grandmother again (it had been 10 years since your cousin Bailey was born). Everything was falling into place for us. It seemed like nothing could ever go wrong again. I couldn't wait until November.
So, thats the beginning of your story, my love. My whole world revolved around you from day one. Actually even before we knew of you. I still can't believe that I am your Mommy. Such a beautiful angel in Heaven is mine. I miss you everyday. There's a piece of me missing until we meet again. A hole that's been left in my heart. But I'll see you one day baby girl. I promise you that. Until then I'll write to you. Watch over me and your Daddy.
In my heart always,
Your Mommy
Lauren
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