Being in limbo

Dear Daisy,
Today I am feeling like I am in some sort of a limbo period. I'm still waiting on your pictures. I wait for them everyday. It gives me hope and something to look forward to. Your Daddy asked me "why are you so excited? It will be just another thing for you to cry over.". I told him that I couldn't wait to see your beautiful face again. You look just like him yanno. Except for your nose that is. That's the only part of me you got pretty girl. So I wait everyday for the mailman to come driving down the street. Waiting to see your beautiful face. It hasn't been a month quite yet but I still keep waiting and hoping. That's just a part of the limbo period.

Another part is that we are awaiting the results of your autopsy. I want to know why this happened to my daughter. Why her? Why my baby? I just would like answers as to how this could have happened. My labs came back normal. Your placenta/umbilical cord were normal. You looked like the most ethereal being I have ever seen. Like I have said many times... I know what sick babies look like. I'm a pediatric RN. You didn't look sick. Many people have said... You looked PERFECT. And they were right. So Dr Marcum will be calling me with the results as soon as she gets them. But the thing is I don't think they will find a cause. I'm not feeling very confident. However, it's another open chapter in the book of my life.

Tomorrow your Daddy and I are going to design your headstone and go to see your grave. It will be the first time we go back since your funeral. I am truly sorry about that. It's been pretty hard for me losing you. But I feel ready and I am excited to go now. I have a Christmas wreath for you. It looks great! Of course it does your Grandmother made it. It even has your name on it. I wish I was spending this Christmas with you though. I was making so many plans for our first Christmas together. I even bought you reindeer pjs. Your Daddy picked them out. I have to admit you would have been adorable in them.

So here I am in this limbo/waiting period. I'm very lucky to have such a strong support system to help me through it. I miss you baby. More than you could ever know. I continue to hope and pray for strength. Watch over me and your Daddy. Until I write again my dear baby.

I love you with all my heart,
Your Mommy
Lauren